I may not be the same again

but I am ok with it and I still love running

My first memory of running, is from when I was 9. I used to have a good friend, Naman Rakheja. He went to represent our school in the Delhi zonal champs in the 400 meters. Our teacher made us run 800 meters that day. I kept up with Rocky for the 1st 400, he increased the pace in the next 200 but I managed to keep up with him. I finally kicked in the last 100 and beat him to the gasps of our classmates. Rocky said he was too tired, didn’t push and we shook hands. Shortly thereafter, his parents moved to the US and I lost touch with him. He was cool, I liked him. I think he is still on my Facebook friend’s list, maybe I should ask him to see if he still remembers that day. (I’m sure he doesn’t.)

The other memory I have is during the swimming off-season of 2004, which I also like to refer as my anorexia season. Having ballooned over the last winter, I decided to keep training in the winter of 2004 with a mix of biking and running. I used to do 30' runs, but back then there was no GPS or Strava. Basically I would try to see the maximum number of laps I could run in 30'. After that, I just have a faint memory of 2008, my final year in high school. I had gone to school to attend a biotech practical(yes, I studied biotech. I know I am better than you.). The physical education students were in the ground having their own exam. I went to them and ran 2k while wearing my blazer, tie, trousers and school shoes because I needed fresh air.

Compared to these, the palatable memories from 2018, 2019 and 2020 are fresh in my olfactory senses. The smell of grapes which mark the end of summer, they remind me of the long runs “bord-du-lac”, reaching as far as Vevey sometimes. The smell of ice-cream at Ouchy on that run from 2018, when I ran Sub 4 min/k pace for 32k, reaching Ouchy and watching 30k clicked off in under 2 hours, having tears in my eyes because I thought that would never be possible and then composing myself to finish strong. And the smell of jealousy on the run where I dropped Tolossa(ex-pro Ethiopian with a marathon PB of 2:10) on the hill and dropped him so bad, he refused to answer my messages after. The barbeque smells of summer, which I would desperately try to avoid by running early. Bugs in my face during the summer or slipping on the ice, if I started too early on winter mornings.

It was always fun to do long runs. Interval training is cool too, but for me long runs always hit the spot. The way I did them was to have a goal pace I would never dream of having hit 2 years ago (i.e. from 2016) in the middle of the run, almost always starting with fatigued legs and somehow always thriving at the end and finishing strong.

Remember how I was so overwhelmed on running 32k under 4 min/k pace? This was 34k at the same pace and I had run 166k in the week before it.

I cannot get my head around that anymore. I did this week after week in my marathon builds. And you know, I have loved few things in my life more than this work. It was meaningful to me, it was spiritual, it was an act of meditation, I was able to do this while working 10 hours a day and that gave me confidence. Ok, I could have taken off-seasons in a better way but that’s not the point. What may seem excessive to people is what kept me alive for a very long time. It kept me going when life didn’t make sense, it gave me patience to deal with those who surrounded me and just the discipline aspect of it was as beautiful to me as the mountains in the shadows of I ran.

I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. Not even better, even getting back seems to be out of question at this point. From my 1st injury in August 2020, things have just gone from bad to worse. It started from a misaligned back, to an edema in my bone and now it is a hip impingement. All in the ass actually. After the Botox injection in February, I was hoping it was the end of this nightmare and I would be able to compete in the 30–34 age group finally, but literally, the window is running out on that one. I will turn 32 in less than 2 months, that leaves 2 more years for that age group. The only race I have done in 2 years is the 10k in April, I was in sub-optimal shape back then and you only race better by racing more. Or maybe by racing more than once every 2 years.

I am jaded by this injury now. The fact that even walking pings the IP address of my injury is a constant reminder of how bad it is. Floating in water is a solace and it is nice to re-discover why I loved swimming in the first place but again, like with cycling, swimming is a full-on production. Running is minimalist. You put on your shoes and you just head out.

Ok, maybe for me it is also a data fest of the right amount of mileage, nutrition and stretching. Pre-runs for me are like satanic rituals. I spent time before my runs activating my glutes and core as if I was launching a missile.

This doesn’t just “happen”. Needs a lot of work.

Then I laced up my shoes and go out. Luckily over the years I was able to ditch some of the equipment, like music or the Stryd pod (It was interesting but I will discuss later why I stopped using it and the reason might make you laugh). But I still took my watch, albeit hiding it on slow days but I still kept it on. I would come back home and stretch, going to work and then spending my evenings trying to lift weights and doing burpees. And I repeated it everyday. There was a point I was topping out at training for close 6–8 hours a day. 2–3 hours of running, 30 minutes — 1 hour of pre-run activation, 1 hour of post run stretching, 1 hour of lifting/core/yoga and another 1–3 hours of stretching. Yes, I wasn’t getting laid back then too. Also, all of that just brought me into 2 years of injury, so maybe volume wasn’t the answer?

In the immortal words of 5 finger death punch.

Honestly, I have been rehashing everything I have done since 2020 to account for this length of injury. This list includes:

1. I started eating bread.
2. I grew out my hair.
3. I started using Stryd.
4. I moved to St. Sulpice (now I am back to Lausanne)

This is the cause for my injury?

The common thread between these 4 points is “bullshit”. And you know, it is really bloody frustrating to not know a.) What is the root cause of this injury? b.) What is the exact rehabilitation to this?

I had an MRI yesterday and I got back the images:

I have no idea what I am looking at here other than it is my left ass, so basically I am looking at myself? Kidding. I might know what I am looking at but my doctor will and if next Friday(1st July), whether he tells me “You cannot run for 6 months and then it will be normal.” or “We will cut off your leg and then it will be normal.” or “You can resume, but slowly and you will never run as good as you were again.”, my answer will be “Ok, let’s go for it.”

You know, I am perfectly ok with how fast I was able to run. I know I have the potential to run faster but if it means chronic pain and just being inside MRI machines, then fuck that. I also want to be able to walk normally for a change. And then there is the most important thing.

I love running. With or without speed, the rhythmic movement of my legs over terrain makes me feel alive. The winds buffet me and sometimes the lake splashes on me, sometimes there is snow and other times there is a warm summer breeze, there are days when it is raining for 40 kilometers or it is bone dry and perfect, it doesn’t matter whether the dawn is breaking in front of me or whether the sun is setting, when I run the world comes to a halt. Everyone passes me by in slow motion, time become immaterial, the problems in my life move to the back of my head and instead philosophy takes center stage. There is peace in running, whether it is at a 3 min 30 second per km clip or a 7 min per km plodder. It is my safe space. I am an introvert and that’s why type these massive paragraphs and have 5 real friends. I cannot be around people for very long and I cannot open myself to everyone. But when I am running, I am myself, I am bold and confident. Basically, I am Tyler Durden. Or rather the Brad Pitt version of Tyler Durden, I see myself the way Edward Norton wants to see himself in Fight Club.

Life is what it is. It is far from perfect on most days. I work in place where the management anyways believes in looking good instead of doing good. They have listed one of their key values as “Excellence”. But given the people they hire and the people they promote, the constant exodus of people in our company and the complaints of mistreatment gone unheard, it seems far from it. We are managed by people who instead of listening to your problems and sorting personality conflicts, try to do team building by suggesting paintball. I would rather shoot my colleagues in the face with paintballs.

And yes, running doesn’t make our management any better. Infact, I am studying my ass off (maybe that’s what is causing the injury) to find a better solution to my problems. But running helps me go into work every day and put on a smile. Not really, but even the scowl I wear to work would manifest into something else if it was not for running.

So, next Friday I will know what is wrong with me this time. As of writing this, I have not run for 11 days. I intend on letting this number go up for as long as it is needed, to abide by the principles of delayed gratification, to do the “Karma” in the words of Krishna: to do anything in my power to make myself whole again, be it working with a posture therapist (which I am) to a physiotherapy. And after all of this, if I am unable to return to my best shape running, it is perfectly ok with me. I will mourn the loss of what could have been for a little while, but grief can be dealt with in stages. And it is not like the end of thing I truly love. I will stay with it for the rest of my life, no matter how fast or slow I am going.